Routine

I'm missing a routine. I recently realized that I've stopped looking forward to things and planning ahead. I'm looking foward to the wedding but it depresses me to think I might still be working in Target in November. Back in Austin, I looked forward to the weekends and planned dinners, outings with Dale, and happy hours with friends. Here I don't do that anymore. I mostly work weekends, and I haven't really made any friends here (except for Britta and Amy).

I'm having a blue day. I really miss getting up every day at the same time and having my weekends. I'm missing getting to work out at the same time and knowing what my schedule is the next week. I know I've said this a thousand times in the last few months, but I am ready for a job, a good job. I feel like such a bum that I don't get up until 8:45 or 9:00 am every day and watch TV while I get ready. I know it's because I work evenings but it makes me feel down.

I'm going to go work out and try get over this blue day, but I think I'm just tired, really tired. I hate too that I feel like when I talk about this I bring everyone else down especially Dale. I think I make him feel guilty for moving here which is not my intention at all. If the economy hadn't taken a turn, who knows where I would be. So I'm feeling guilty, bummish, and blue today.

I applied for a job at Target headquarters which I'm really excited about and depressed about. I'm excited because it seems like the perfect position but feel depressed because I don't want to get my hopes up and the likelihood I'll even get an interview is slim. I met with someone from headquarters yesterday for an informational interview. She was great. So nice and very helpful. But like I said I'm just worried because I want this position so much, so much more than every other position I've applied for.

Therefore, I'm even more anxious about this rejection that may come. I'm trying to keep faith but it's hard. It's hard because I know how competitive it is, how many promising interviews I've had that amounted to nothing and the chances I'll even get an interview. I'm scared to want this position so bad because I don't want the disappointment.

Faith is hard.